In the wake of Broken Circle
Apr. 1st, 2016 12:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
diplomaticenchanter“So you and that Templar, Cullen, huh?” Alistair offered out of nowhere. It was just the two of them sitting by the fire. Wynne had recruited Lelianna in her new found mission to keep Amira’s rather reluctant Mabari fresh smelling, while Morrigan and Sten were both off somewhere being antisocial. She’d stopped worrying about it after the first couple weeks. It was too exhausting to get worked up thinking they’d run off on them every time they disappeared; they always came back and never went off too far, so why worry? Though Amira thought Alistair would be quite pleased if Morrigan decided to just disappear back into the wilds.
“What?” It took her a minute to figure out what he meant. In all the excitement of keeping Uldred from turning anyone else into an abomination, and talking Greagoir down from slaughtering the rest of the tower, Cullen’s unintentional confession had completely slipped her mind. Now it came back in a rush, and Amira felt herself flushing red. “Oh- no, we weren’t, I mean, we never–” It wasn’t like her, stumbling over her words like this, and that was almost as embarrassing as the topic at hand. She took pride in her ability to talk their way out of most non-darkspawn situations.
The truth of the matter was Cullen had completely blindsided her. To think she’d never noticed his feelings for her (feelings that were apparently deep enough that a desire demon would try to use them to tempt him;) she felt like an idiot. Amira wished she could comfort herself by saying he’d simply done an exceedingly good job of hiding it, but in retrospect it was rather obvious, and suddenly a few conversations she’d overheard made significantly more sense. Oh Maker, someone had even told her they’d heard he was in love with her hadn’t they? At the time she’d still been rather out of sorts from her Harrowing and had simply dismissed it as idle gossip. It was rare for a mage and Templar to be on good terms, of course people would sensationalize it further, imagining it to be some torrid love affair. No one gossiped quite so well as Circle mages after all. “I had no idea he thought of me that way.”
Burying her face in her hands Amira completely missed the look that crossed Alistair’s face at her pronouncement: some strange mix of pleasure, and rueful sympathy. It was gone by the time she peeked back up at him. “Oh, from the way he went on, and well, you didn’t act surprised about it, I thought you two must have been involved. Or at least very pointedly not involved.”
The only fantasies she’d ever entertained that featured Cullen were the ones where she became First Enchanter. In her vision of the future he was always her Knight-Commander counterpart, and together they’d do their best to create a happier, more open, Circle while still ensuring safety for all. It had always been a lovely day dream, and perhaps the only one that she felt she could really make happen with enough work. Oh how things changed. Amira tried not shudder as she wondered if Cullen would ever again be the gentle, soft spoken Templar she’d once known. “I think I was too worried about him to really register what he was admitting” she confessed softly. Amira felt the need to clarify: “We’re friends. Or at least, we used to be.” Amira wasn’t sure she could still count him as a friend after he’d argued for the Circle’s annulment. He’d been through an ordeal, she knew that, but the bone deep fear she’d felt when he insisted the other mages needed to die…
Their friendship had been something of an anomaly. Most Templars kept their distance from the mages, ever present and ever watching, but silent as a tomb unless you were being reprimanded. Most apprentices would never have tried to befriend a Templar anyway. Yet somehow they’d managed to fall into a friendship more or less by accident. “It never even crossed my mind he might want more, I mean, his vows…”
“I hate to break it to you,” Alistair cut in, sounding amused “but just because Templar boys aren’t supposed to be having, ah” he cleared his throat awkwardly as if he hadn’t fully thought this through before he’d started and was suddenly regretting his comment just a bit “relations, doesn’t mean they aren’t thinking about it. Not that the sisters don’t do a very thorough job of instilling that such things topple civilization, mind.”
“I suppose you would know.” She teased back, leaning a still flushed cheek on her hand. Joking with Alistair had quickly become one of the few things that kept her sane in this entire mad mess. She smiled faintly at him for a moment before sighing softly. “I just can’t believe I never noticed. I feel so foolish.”
“Maybe just a little.” He teased, and Amira swatted him lightly on the shoulder. “No, no don’t hit me, I bruise easily.” He laughed. “I just mean you’re a beautiful woman, it’s not that far fetched to think someone would fall for you.”
Amira couldn’t help blinking at him. “You think I’m beautiful?” He didn’t mean it like that, she thought, writing off the way her heartbeat jumped at the statement as surprise. He’s just being nice; he was Alistair, he was always kind. It was completely lost on her that she was dismissing clues the same way she used to with Cullen.
“Oh come on, you know you’re beautiful.” He said it with a casual conviction, like it was a truth so plainly obvious it was redundant to say aloud. “and clever and brave and lots of other complimentary things I’m sure you’d hurt me for not saying.”
“No one’s ever called me beautiful before.” She blurted it out without thinking and if she thought she’d been blushing before, it was nothing compared to now. “I’d never hurt you,” She added, and then thinking of light swatt she'd just given him "not really I mean."
“Nor I you.” He responded his voice sounding deeper than she’d ever heard before; it did funny things to her stomach. “Has no one really ever told you that before?” He added after a moment sounding much more like the Alistair she knew.
Amira shook her head, fiddling with the edge of her robes. “Circle Mages aren’t really encouraged to…” what was a delicate way to put it “mingle. Not that it stops well, anyone, really, in the long run.” In her experience Circle mages tended towards extremes for the most part: either you didn’t risk bending the rules by fooling around or you were unrepentantly promiscuous. She just happened to fall into the former category. It wasn’t an universal truth of course, but real, committed relationships were rare in the Circle. “Falling in love was a liability.” By the time she realized what she’d added absentmindedly it was too late to take it back.
“Why?” He asked quietly. She remembered asking something similar to one of the older apprentices when she was younger, somewhere between fairy stories and romance novels. “‘Because then they have something they can take from you’” she quoted, thinking of the boy with sad eyes who’s name she couldn’t remember anymore, thinking of Lily and Jowan, thinking even of Cullen. She shook her head, trying to banish the painful musings. “I think maybe that’s why I never noticed Cullen’s feelings.” She said, brining them back to their original topic and half realizing it herself as she spoke. “It was easier just not to think about romance at all, than dwell on not being able to have it.” And there was always the looming threat of the Harrowing hanging over her as an apprentice if one needed a distraction; she was lucky she’d actually liked studying magic. For all the trouble it caused, she wouldn’t trade her magic for anything. It was a part of her and she could no more imagine herself without it than she could imagine having those flat human ears.
“Well,” Alistair said hesitantly, not looking at her, and instead staring up at the starry skies above. “You’re not in the Circle anymore are you?”
Amira blinked, and thought of all the things she’d done that she’d never imagined getting to experience: sleeping under the stars, picking windflowers just because they were there– saving a town from monsters. “No,” she said, something warm and hopeful settling into her bones “I’m not.”
“What?” It took her a minute to figure out what he meant. In all the excitement of keeping Uldred from turning anyone else into an abomination, and talking Greagoir down from slaughtering the rest of the tower, Cullen’s unintentional confession had completely slipped her mind. Now it came back in a rush, and Amira felt herself flushing red. “Oh- no, we weren’t, I mean, we never–” It wasn’t like her, stumbling over her words like this, and that was almost as embarrassing as the topic at hand. She took pride in her ability to talk their way out of most non-darkspawn situations.
The truth of the matter was Cullen had completely blindsided her. To think she’d never noticed his feelings for her (feelings that were apparently deep enough that a desire demon would try to use them to tempt him;) she felt like an idiot. Amira wished she could comfort herself by saying he’d simply done an exceedingly good job of hiding it, but in retrospect it was rather obvious, and suddenly a few conversations she’d overheard made significantly more sense. Oh Maker, someone had even told her they’d heard he was in love with her hadn’t they? At the time she’d still been rather out of sorts from her Harrowing and had simply dismissed it as idle gossip. It was rare for a mage and Templar to be on good terms, of course people would sensationalize it further, imagining it to be some torrid love affair. No one gossiped quite so well as Circle mages after all. “I had no idea he thought of me that way.”
Burying her face in her hands Amira completely missed the look that crossed Alistair’s face at her pronouncement: some strange mix of pleasure, and rueful sympathy. It was gone by the time she peeked back up at him. “Oh, from the way he went on, and well, you didn’t act surprised about it, I thought you two must have been involved. Or at least very pointedly not involved.”
The only fantasies she’d ever entertained that featured Cullen were the ones where she became First Enchanter. In her vision of the future he was always her Knight-Commander counterpart, and together they’d do their best to create a happier, more open, Circle while still ensuring safety for all. It had always been a lovely day dream, and perhaps the only one that she felt she could really make happen with enough work. Oh how things changed. Amira tried not shudder as she wondered if Cullen would ever again be the gentle, soft spoken Templar she’d once known. “I think I was too worried about him to really register what he was admitting” she confessed softly. Amira felt the need to clarify: “We’re friends. Or at least, we used to be.” Amira wasn’t sure she could still count him as a friend after he’d argued for the Circle’s annulment. He’d been through an ordeal, she knew that, but the bone deep fear she’d felt when he insisted the other mages needed to die…
Their friendship had been something of an anomaly. Most Templars kept their distance from the mages, ever present and ever watching, but silent as a tomb unless you were being reprimanded. Most apprentices would never have tried to befriend a Templar anyway. Yet somehow they’d managed to fall into a friendship more or less by accident. “It never even crossed my mind he might want more, I mean, his vows…”
“I hate to break it to you,” Alistair cut in, sounding amused “but just because Templar boys aren’t supposed to be having, ah” he cleared his throat awkwardly as if he hadn’t fully thought this through before he’d started and was suddenly regretting his comment just a bit “relations, doesn’t mean they aren’t thinking about it. Not that the sisters don’t do a very thorough job of instilling that such things topple civilization, mind.”
“I suppose you would know.” She teased back, leaning a still flushed cheek on her hand. Joking with Alistair had quickly become one of the few things that kept her sane in this entire mad mess. She smiled faintly at him for a moment before sighing softly. “I just can’t believe I never noticed. I feel so foolish.”
“Maybe just a little.” He teased, and Amira swatted him lightly on the shoulder. “No, no don’t hit me, I bruise easily.” He laughed. “I just mean you’re a beautiful woman, it’s not that far fetched to think someone would fall for you.”
Amira couldn’t help blinking at him. “You think I’m beautiful?” He didn’t mean it like that, she thought, writing off the way her heartbeat jumped at the statement as surprise. He’s just being nice; he was Alistair, he was always kind. It was completely lost on her that she was dismissing clues the same way she used to with Cullen.
“Oh come on, you know you’re beautiful.” He said it with a casual conviction, like it was a truth so plainly obvious it was redundant to say aloud. “and clever and brave and lots of other complimentary things I’m sure you’d hurt me for not saying.”
“No one’s ever called me beautiful before.” She blurted it out without thinking and if she thought she’d been blushing before, it was nothing compared to now. “I’d never hurt you,” She added, and then thinking of light swatt she'd just given him "not really I mean."
“Nor I you.” He responded his voice sounding deeper than she’d ever heard before; it did funny things to her stomach. “Has no one really ever told you that before?” He added after a moment sounding much more like the Alistair she knew.
Amira shook her head, fiddling with the edge of her robes. “Circle Mages aren’t really encouraged to…” what was a delicate way to put it “mingle. Not that it stops well, anyone, really, in the long run.” In her experience Circle mages tended towards extremes for the most part: either you didn’t risk bending the rules by fooling around or you were unrepentantly promiscuous. She just happened to fall into the former category. It wasn’t an universal truth of course, but real, committed relationships were rare in the Circle. “Falling in love was a liability.” By the time she realized what she’d added absentmindedly it was too late to take it back.
“Why?” He asked quietly. She remembered asking something similar to one of the older apprentices when she was younger, somewhere between fairy stories and romance novels. “‘Because then they have something they can take from you’” she quoted, thinking of the boy with sad eyes who’s name she couldn’t remember anymore, thinking of Lily and Jowan, thinking even of Cullen. She shook her head, trying to banish the painful musings. “I think maybe that’s why I never noticed Cullen’s feelings.” She said, brining them back to their original topic and half realizing it herself as she spoke. “It was easier just not to think about romance at all, than dwell on not being able to have it.” And there was always the looming threat of the Harrowing hanging over her as an apprentice if one needed a distraction; she was lucky she’d actually liked studying magic. For all the trouble it caused, she wouldn’t trade her magic for anything. It was a part of her and she could no more imagine herself without it than she could imagine having those flat human ears.
“Well,” Alistair said hesitantly, not looking at her, and instead staring up at the starry skies above. “You’re not in the Circle anymore are you?”
Amira blinked, and thought of all the things she’d done that she’d never imagined getting to experience: sleeping under the stars, picking windflowers just because they were there– saving a town from monsters. “No,” she said, something warm and hopeful settling into her bones “I’m not.”
